Smile
by Ashesofthesoul
Summary: Lukas would never understand how through it all Mathias could smile. ((Dennor, warnings for major character death and cancer))


It wasn't right to see him lying here in a hospital bed, skin sallow and grey, hooked to wires and tubes. That was the thought that haunted Lukas day after day, even as he shifted his chair closer to the bed, tightening his fingers carefully around weakened ones. He couldn't understand how they had gotten here to start with. Why Mathias? Why had life decided to be so cruel to the one who worked so hard to bring others joy, to repent for his past transgressions? Any mistakes the once energetic Dane had made when he was younger were more than made up for in his suffering now. How long had he been sick, trapped in this damned room? Too long. And Lukas had stayed by his side the entire time. Every now and again, guilt would well up inside of him like a cold ball of agony, reminding him of the harsh words he had once had to offer Mathias. No more though.

And somehow, even looking probably as bad as he felt, even when the chemo stole thick blonde locks and left once shimmering blonde locks sallow and dull, Mathias smiled. He patted Lukas's hand gently, forcing laughter from his throat as he tried to soothe the younger man. "I'll be fine, the nurses just love me too much to let me go!" He'd tease, and even as every rattled cough and forced smile brought a chill to Lukas's spine. He was constantly biting back the urge to vomit. This wasn't his Mathias, this twisted mirror of the man he loved. His Mathias was strong, and bright. Enthusiastic even when Lukas wished he wasn't. And yet, here he lay, small and broken.

He couldn't understand how Mathias did it. How he dealt with the pain Lukas knew he was in, yet still smiled for his family, for those he loved. How he reassured Emil that when he got better, they'd play together once more. How he promised that he and Lukas would get married, and they'd be a family. The little one took it as truth, but Lukas knew better. They'd never have that. There would be no wedding, only something far more sombre. With every day, it grew nearer and nearer. And yet, he ached to believe Mathias's comforting words.

He wanted to believe he'd see his fiance healthy again, would see him laugh the way he once had, instead of that pained mockery it'd become. He wanted to believe they would walk down the aisle and say I do, scoop their little one into their arms, and live happily ever after.

If Lukas were another type of person, he very well might let himself pretend. But he knew better, and he couldn't shake that reality, no matter how hard he tried. This was real. This was happening. There was no denying the man lying in front of him, giving a light squeeze every now and again to his hand, as though still trying to reassure him. Why? Why was he still worrying about Lukas? The blonde wanted to yell, to scream and cry, to ask Mathias if he was really stupid enough to not put himself and his needs first even now, even when he was dy- No. He wouldn't say the word. Wouldn't even think it. Doing that would only make it that much more real, more tangible, and he wasn't quite ready to face that yet.

"You idiot…" He whispered, resting his forehead against their conjoined hands, his voice quaking as he spoke. "Even lying here, you're a selfless fool. I always loved that about you. I was always so jealous of how you open up, how you so freely give all of yourself to others, with no fear of hurt. It took me a long time to be able to do that even with you, and I feel so bad about that. I hate that I pushed you away for so long… there's so many memories we could have had, moments we've missed out on… I want to make a million more with you."

"We'll have them when I get out…" Came the whispered response, the Dane too tired and weak for much more. The steady beeping of the heart monitor filled the emptiness of the room, and, for the moment, Lukas was glad for it. As long as those beeps continued to sound, his love was alive, and he could hold that slim glimmer of hope.

"T-that's right, Mathias… w-we'll make as many memories as we can when you get out of this place… a lifetime's worth, just you and me and Emil… s-so you've gotta work hard and stay strong for me, alright? You focus on getting better, I know you can do it." It was hard to force the words out around the lump in his throat, even as he reached up to gently caress Mathias's head, ever mindful to be careful. The last thing he wanted was to accidentally hurt his fiance. The lies were hard to tell, he knew they were lies, but for Mathias he would tell them a million times over. He could only imagine how afraid he was under that smile.

The last thing Lukas wanted was to be the cause of that fear getting worse. If he was going to lose the man he adored, he wanted him to feel safe and comfortable, and to know he was loved. Dipping his head, the Norwegian brushed their lips together slowly, cradling the older man's face in his hands, even as he choked back the very real urge to sob, to break. He wouldn't though. How long had Mathias been strong for he and Emil, even when he was wasting away, experiencing pain unlike anything they'd ever know? It was his turn now to be his lover's rock. A soft hum began to leave him as he continued stroking over the others greying skin, watching with pained eyes as the Dane's eyes grew heavy before falling shut. The monitor that had kept Lukas from crumbling now stilled, the silence grim and cold with finality.

And through the tears that began to pour from his eyes as he felt Mathias's hand grow cold in his own, Lukas smiled.


End file.
